Super Happy Adventures of Hiei
by Captain Black Rum
Summary: Hiei's the owner of his own company, though he has no idea what it does, and he's having super happy adventures! UPDATED(OMFG) It's Hiei vs. Lorenzini! Who the hell is Lorenzini?
1. Josephina

Disclaimer: Yu Yu Hakusho does not belong to me. Yet. But if you join my forces, we shall conquer all! MUAHAHAHAA!  
  
A/N: You might not understand this. I sure don't, and I wrote it. Just be warned that Hiei is more than a little OOC. Oh, and Hiei's the head of some company, and pretty much everyone else works for him. Except Koenma--he's a truck driver living in Minnesota.  
  
WARNING: The author was listening to some really freaky techno-type music when she wrote this.  
  
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Hiei sat down at his desk, straightening his tie. Today was a perfect day. A perfect day...to...WORK! Well, no, actually it was a perfect day to train, but NO ONE CARED, RIGHT?!  
  
Anyway.  
  
He sat down at his desk and straightened his tie, shuffling papers and looking important. He thought he looked very professional, with his black suit and tie, and his nice, shiny, polished shoes. Yes. Very professional indeed. The shoes just completed the entire outfit. The shoes were the heart and soul of the outfit! They were the most important thing in the entire building—no, the town—no, the world! WITHOUT THE SHOES, EVERYONE WOULD DIE!  
  
Hiei smirked. "Yes," he murmured, nodding to himself as he gazed at his reflection in his shoes with satisfaction. He looked -good-. Not just good, but -good-. Of course, he had to look -good-. He //was// the owner/manager/boss of the company. He still had no idea what the damn company did, but who in Hades cared? He had his shoes, and that's all that mattered.  
  
As Hiei flipped through the stack of papers, he selected a few to hang on his office wall. At the last meeting, he had asked his workers to draw portraits of themselves. Yusuke, he noted, had tremendous artistic ability. The stick figures were truly beautiful, and his way of drawing a circle so that it resembled more of a dead fish—simply wonderful. He'd have to frame this piece of artwork.  
  
Soon Hiei was bored. He stared out the window, wishing he could go out and play with the other children. "Mother? Why do they laugh at me?" he asked.  
  
His mother gazed at him with tears falling from her eyes.  
  
"I just want...to fit in," Hiei said sadly.  
  
"Oh, my poor boy," said his mother. She hugged him tightly, and he sobbed quietly.  
  
"Um...Mister Hiei? Why are you hugging a lamp?" Keiko, a high school girl asked, puzzled.  
  
Hiei stared at her, then at the lamp he was hugging. He scowled. "It tricked me," he muttered. Turning to Keiko, the businessman exclaimed, "You! What are you doing here?! Get out of my house, and take your cheese biscuits with you!"  
  
Keiko blinked and took a step back. "Um, okay, but I have these papers for you...It's the essays on penguins you asked the staff to write," she said, handing Hiei a stack of black and white papers.  
  
Hiei snatched them and began to leaf through, making sure everything was in place. "What the--?!" he exclaimed after a moment.  
  
The girl looked alarmed. "What's wrong, Hiei-sama?"  
  
"You colorblind fool! You put the red papers with the purple papers! RED CANNOT TOUCH PURPLE!"  
  
"But, Hiei-sama, they're all in black and white—"  
  
"YOU'RE FIRED!"  
  
"But...I never worked here in the first place. I'm just volunteering, remember?" Keiko reminded him nervously.  
  
"Hn! Some volunteer you are! I'm going to call everyone and tell them what a horrible job you did, and you'll never get to volunteer anywhere ever again! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hiei threw back his head and laughed evilly. "NOW GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"  
  
Keiko turned and ran away.  
  
Once he was sure she was gone, Hiei turned and glared at the lamp, shaking his fist angrily. "You! How dare you betray me?! I thought we were friends!"  
  
"I'm so sorry, Hiei!" the lamp cried.  
  
"WELL SORRY DOESN'T CUT IT!" the demon yelled. "DRAGON OF THE DARKNESS FLAME!"  
  
"AAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the lamp as it was burned to ash.  
  
As Hiei gazed sorrowfully at the ashes, a single tear fell from his eye. "I'm sorry...Josephina," he whispered.  
  
Just then, the radio turned on. Yeah, it just turned on all by itself and started playing some weird techno music. Hiei looked at it for a moment, then jumped atop his desk. And danced.  
  
Man, he loved dancing! Loved it like a dog loves a cat! Wait...dogs did love cats, didn't they? Um...Of course they did!  
  
Suddenly the radio switched to a different song. "TO BE SHAMAAAAAAAN KIIIIING!" it screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Hiei yelled back.  
  
"SHAAAAAAMAAAAAAN KIIIIIIING!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!"  
  
"SHAMAAAAAAN KIIIIIING!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!"  
  
"SHAMAAAAAAN KIIIIIING!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!"  
  
"SHAMAAAAAAN KIIIIIING!"  
  
"SHUT UPPPPPP!" Yusuke yelled, chucking a football into the office. Where he got the football, no one shall ever know. EVERRRR!!!!!  
  
The radio immediately turned off.  
  
"Hn." said Hiei. He began to pace back and forth, muttering to himself. After a while, someone knocked on the door, which had closed itself.  
  
"Come in," Hiei called.  
  
Kurama opened the door, looking almost as professional as Hiei in his blue suit and red tie. Almost. He only had a pathetic pair of brown shoes, not the beautiful, shiny, polished black shoes that Hiei possessed. He also wore a small pair of glasses with a blue frame. He liked blue, okay?!  
  
"Excuse me, Hiei-san, but you told us you'd be meeting with us at twelve pm today, and it's around two o'clock now. We were wondering if you had forgotten about the meeting," Kurama explained.  
  
Hiei glared at the redhead. "I was busy! Do you think all I do I sit around here dancing and talking to my lamp?! I have very important things to do, baka! And if I don't do them, who will?! Now get the hell out of my office! I'll be there to start the meeting in just a moment."  
  
Kurama nodded and walked away nervously, wondering if there was something wrong with his boss.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED, FOOLISH MORTALS!  
  
_______________________________________________  
  
SHAMAAAAAAN KIIIIING!  
  
Review or die, you colorblind fools!  
  
^______________________________^ 


	2. The Extra Special Super Happy Techno Par...

Disclaimer: WE LIKE DA MOON!  
  
Author's Notes: Yup, I'm still listening to that music...  
  
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Chapter Two: The Extra-Special Super Happy Techno Party and the Overuse of Exclamation Points!  
  
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(Now, when we last saw our poor, stressed out fire demon, he was late for a meeting! OH MY GOD!)  
  
Hiei paced around his office, muttering to himself. "Now, I want to make a good entrance," he said to himself, "But I don't want it to be too grand an entrance...Now how will I do this?"  
  
He paced and thought and paced and thought and paced and thought for about an hour.  
  
Inside the meeting room, Kurama was just finishing up beating Kuwabara at hangman for the ninety-sixth time, Yusuke was thumb wrestling with Botan and losing miserably, Jin and Touya were playing go fish, and the old television set was watching TV. How was the television watching television, you ask? Well, you see...It's just one of those mysteries of life, like soda machines and candy bar wrappers. You know, like a jaguar? And I mean the animal, not the car. Although I suppose a jaguar could be used for transport...If someone really wanted to ride on a jaguar...You know what I mean? You do? That's good, because I don't.  
  
Anyway...Kurama sighed as he drew in the little arms on the little hangman guy. His soul was in constant turmoil, and it was all so tragic and angsty and it made him want to watch a soap opera...Plus his boss was crazy...And his coworkers, they were probably crazy too...That weird old television set was *definitely* crazy...  
  
Hey! This story isn't about Kurama!  
  
...Who is it about again?  
  
Oh. Hiei. Yeah.  
  
...  
  
WE LIKE DA MOON!  
  
So, anywho, everyone was very, very bored, Kurama was slowly going insane, and Jin kept accidentally scattering the cards with a gust of wind, thus forcing he and Touya to restart their game several times. (Interestingly enough, this "accident" frequently happened when our dear little wind master was about to lose.)  
  
Then, suddenly, a golf cart pulled by -jaguars- crashed through the door, ridden by none other than Hiei!  
  
"Well, gentleman...And lady...let us begin," Hiei said calmly, brushing himself off. The jaguars began watching TV along with the old television set and the golf cart.  
  
The fire youkai sat down at the head of the table. "Now, I've called you here today to review these essays you all completed." Hiei said, holding out the penguin essays Keiko had handed him earlier. "Each of you will read yours to the staff and I, to make sure that if our company ever goes into the penguin industry, we will be able to convince potential customers that a penguin is essential to their household. Yusuke, you go first." he said, passing the papers to their owners.  
  
Yusuke awoke (he'd been asleep on the floor) and stood up, wobbling slightly. He began to read.  
  
"Penguins, by Yusuke Urameshi. Penguins are stupid. They think they're so cool, you know? But just wait 'till we find them with all that macaroni! The end," Yusuke read, bowing and returning to his spot on the floor.  
  
Hiei stood up angrily. "Listen to you idiots! Don't you realize that to sound professional we have to use the word 'pasta', not 'macaroni'?!" He slammed his fist on the table. "I won't stand for this any longer! I hate you all! Why are you in my house?! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Hiei screamed, tossing a chair at the wall. It bounced off a jaguar's head, causing the jaguar to twitch slightly before returning to its TV show.  
  
"I SWEAR I'LL KILL YOU FOR THAT!" Hiei yelled.  
  
Suddenly a voice came from the general direction of the sky. "Just like you killed...Josephina...?" it whispered eerily.  
  
Hiei immediately stopped and stared at the sky. He shook his fist at a cloud outside the window, yelling, "Stop laughing at me, you marmosets! JOSEPHINA DESERVED TO DIE!"  
  
By now, Yusuke had seemingly gone into a coma for no particular reason, Kurama was staring listlessly at the wall, Jin was floating about the room boredly, Touya was making an ice sculpture of a polka-dotted pony, Kuwabara was doing the tango with a jaguar, and Botan was poking Kurama and waving a hand in front of his face.  
  
Suddenly Rando appeared! "Hi everybody!" said Rando!  
  
"Hi Dr. Rando!" said everybody!  
  
"Hey! I have an idea!" said Rando!  
  
"What is it?" asked everybody!  
  
"Let's have a techno party!" said Rando! (Let's overuse exclamation points, says the author!)  
  
"Okay!" everyone replied!  
  
And so they did.  
  
Hiei went and got the Orb of Baast out of his closet and strung it up like a disco ball, and Kurama went out to get some music. Unfortunately Kurama only bought Linkin Park CDs, so Botan had to go get some better music fit for an extra-special super happy techno party. Rando cheerfully made punch and cookies while Jin flew out to invite people to the extra-special super happy techno party!  
  
Man, they invited everybody! They invited the Rokuyoukai team, Dr. Ichigaki, Sensui, Spongebob, a grasshopper, Toguro, Karasu, Yukina, Genkai, the narrator for Yu Yu Hakusho, Pikachu, Hiei's dragon of the darkness flame, the Four Saint Beasts and that annoying bird Suzaku liked to hang out with, the Powerpuff Girls, a moose, Keiko, some sailors, Ronald Mc Donald, Santa Claus, a bus full of people in New York City, a light bulb, and finally, YOU! Yes, they even invited YOU!  
  
"So, ____(YOUR name!), would you like to come to an extra-special super happy techno party?" Jin asked you politely. Of course you nodded, because, I mean, Ronald Mc Donald was going to be there!  
  
Jin grinned happily. "Then follow the yellow brick road!" he exclaimed! So you slid down the rainbow slide to the EXTRA SPECIAL SUPER HAPPY TECHNO PARTY!  
  
"Is that everyone, Jin?" Touya asked. Jin nodded happily. So Kuwabara woke Yusuke up by threatening to kill Keiko, and Yusuke switched on the music after nearly blowing up Kuwabara with his spare package of dynamite.  
  
T*E*C*H*N*O!  
  
Soon everybody was dancing to the beat! Even Kurama, who was saved from the brink of insanity by Rando's techno party! And guess what?! You got to dance with your favorite character and hang out with them the entire party! Isn't that cool?!?!?!?! Ronald McDonald got kicked out for smoking marijuana, but otherwise everybody had a blast! Hiei forgot all about his rage and just danced, 'cause like I said in the first chapter, he loved dancing like a dog loves a cat! Somebody ended up eating Dr. Ichigaki after a while; it may have been the jaguars, but most people were pretty sure it was Botan. But nobody liked Ichigaki anyway, ne?!  
  
Soon it was time to go home. "Oh," you said, "But I just got here!"  
  
"QUIT WHINING, ______(YOUR name!)!" Yusuke yelled, shoving you back at the rainbow slide. So you sadly slid home. HAHA! TOO BAD FOR YOU!  
  
After everyone went home, Rando stayed to help clean up.  
  
"Gee, thanks, guys," Rando said. "This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me!"  
  
Yusuke smiled. "Oh, don't mention it, buddy! You'll always be my favorite demon!"  
  
"Mine too!" Kuwabara added.  
  
"And mine," Botan piped up.  
  
"I wish I could have taught you instead of Yusuke! Such a nice boy..." Genkai muttered as she left.  
  
"YOU'RE THE GREATEST, RANDO!" everybody except Rando shouted happily.  
  
Rando wiped the tears from his eyes. "Awww...Group hug!"  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAY!" they all exclaimed.  
  
"Hey, I have an idea!" Rando said. "Let's have a techno party!"  
  
And so they had techno parties nonstop for the rest of the week.  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
-=-+=+=+=+=+=+=+-=-  
  
Review or die!  
  
T*E*C*H*N*O! 


	3. The Fourth Chapter

The Super Happy Adventures of Hiei  
  
Chapter Three: Chapter Four  
  
Disclaimer: Hn.  
  
Author's Notes: *the author sits at her computer with a glass of cherry coke, hugging her big ol' stuffed horse as she types. In the background, her Yu Yu Hakusho music is playing–Romantic Soldier is the current song.*  
  
Hi everyone! *waves* I just wanted to thank all the kind people who've reviewed this so far. You guys rule! Hm...Tasogare ni Se o Mukete (Hiei's vocal theme) just started playing...How appropriate. ^-^  
  
A Random Comment: Hey, guess what? According to the spell-checker...  
  
Hiei=Higi  
  
Kurama=Cariama  
  
Touya= Toga  
  
Jin= In  
  
Yusuke= Aizoaceae (O_o;;;)  
  
Kuwabara= Cabaret  
  
Botan= Bogan  
  
Rando= Random  
  
Keiko= Seiko (What in Hades is a "Seiko"?!)  
  
Hm...Odd. At least it's not like it was for Rurouni Kenshin. I wrote "Kenshin is a rurouni who wields a sakabattou" and it changed it to "Denshin is a reran who wields a sauceboat." O_O;;; I can picture it now...Kenshin waving around a sauceboat, while Saitou holds his cedar tree (which is what katana is supposed to be, according to this spell-checker) menacingly. Yup, and Sano will have his Zansville (zanbatou)...^-^;;;  
  
Uhh...Enjoy the fic!  
  
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Chapter Three: The Fourth Chapter  
  
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Hiei was bored. I mean, really bored. So bored he wanted to...be...unbored... ...yes...  
  
The jaguars slept peacefully in the patch of sunlight that somehow crept through the black curtains, snoring lightly. Suddenly Hiei realized he hadn't named them! How horrible! How could he be a good pet owner if he didn't even give his poor jaguars names?  
  
He simply had to name those jaguars. It was absolutely necessary.  
  
Plus, it would unbore him.  
  
Just then, Kurama walked in. Yep. Just walked on in. Hiei scowled. Jeez, didn't he have any manners at all?! You don't just walk right in to your boss's office! You knock first! What an idiot! Maybe he should fire him...  
  
"Hiei-san?" Kurama asked politely.  
  
No. He wouldn't fire Kurama. Kurama's hair was red. Plus, he had a cool pen with a little plastic rose on the top. It was a red rose. Red was cool.  
  
"Ah...Hiei-san?"  
  
Then again, Kurama was wearing brown shoes. Did he think his pathetic brown shoes were better than Hiei's beautiful shiny black shoes? Ha! Of course they weren't! He was superior to Kurama in every way possible! Sure, Kurama had red hair, but he had -black- hair! And -his- pen had a little black dragon on it! So...HA!  
  
"Hiei-san...?"  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAA!" Hiei laughed.  
  
Kurama blinked. Hiei noticed that Kurama's eyes were green. GREEN, the color of the DEVIL!  
  
"What do you want, you fool?!" Hiei demanded.  
  
"Ah...There's a salesman at the door who wants to see you, Hiei-san."  
  
"Fine. While I'm gone, think of names for my jaguars. If you don't come up with ten names, you're fired!"  
  
Kurama stared at him for a moment. "Um...sure."  
  
Hiei smiled evilly, then threw back his head and laughed. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Kurama blinked again. Hiei scowled. Damn Kurama and his perpetually blinking green eyes! GREEN, the color of the DEVIL! He glared at Kurama. Then he went to attend to this...this...-salesman-...  
  
~*~*~  
  
At the front door, Jin and Touya were standing next to a man dressed in a suit and carrying a briefcase. Touya leaned against the wall boredly while Jin talked to the salesman happily.  
  
"Tell me, sir, are you interested in buying–"  
  
"Y'know, it's a nice windy day today!"  
  
"Yes, yes it is, sir, but are you interested in—"  
  
"I like the feel o' the wind in me hair and the sun on me back when I'm soaring up with the birds, y'know?"  
  
"That's very interesting, sir. Would you like to–"  
  
"Y'see? Me ears are wiggling. Ah, there's a good wiggle. The sun is bright today, don't you think?"  
  
The salesman sighed and sat down to wait for Hiei while Jin continued talking cheerily.  
  
Touya watched in amusement. He outstretched one hand, making ice sculptures of various things, such as Abe Lincoln in a tutu, and watching them melt.  
  
Finally, Hiei appeared in the doorway, looking down at the salesman, who leapt up.  
  
"Hello, Hiei-san, sir, what a delight to meet you! I have a very prestigious product to offer you, sir, if you will please give me a moment..."  
  
"Hn." Hiei hned.  
  
Suddenly, Botan ran over to the salesman, her eyes huge and shining. "Ooooooh! What kinda things do you sell, sir????????"  
  
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeah," drawled Yusuke, who was wearing a cowboy hat and chewing a tropical fern, since he couldn't find a piece of that grass stuff all those stereotypical cowboy-type guys chew.  
  
"Duh. Duh. Fuh. Buh. Buuuuuh," said Kuwabara. Well, actually he said something like, "Hey! Move it Urameshi!" but that's not what Hiei heard. And this, as stated in the second chapter—and the title, for that matter, is a story about Hiei.  
  
Waaait a second. This is only the third chapter?! That's not fair! Hm........Okay, I've got it. There is no third chapter. The third chapter does not exist. This is the fourth chapter! There's no such thing as a third chapter—it's all an illusion! So when you talk about this story to your friends, family, neighbors, pets, walls, trees, blades of grass, cars, various inanimate objects, that squirrel I set on your cousin, and strangers you see on the street, make sure you tell them that the fourth chapter is up. Not third. Fourth sounds so much cooler. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A THIRD CHAPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Okaaaaay....Um...Where was I? Oh, darn, now I have to go back and scan the stuff I already wrote just to see what the heck I'm doing.  
  
......  
  
Wow. This is one messed up story. If you're reading this and you like it, please, I beg of you, seek professional help. Professional kelp is better, though. You know what, instead, join me and we can have all the professional kelp we want. In fact, we'll rule the world with professional kelp.  
  
Anyway.  
  
Hiei made some mean comment about whatever it is Kuwabara was saying. Then he looked at the salesman and replied, "Just what are you selling?" He suddenly had a hankerin' for professional kelp. Man, he loved that stuff. Suddenly—again--he started thinking of severed hands. They were so awesome. Especially when they were still alive. A vision of a severed hand using a typewriter crossed his mind, and he smiled. Well, his lip twitched; that counts.  
  
The salesman looked delighted. (In the background, Jin was having fun flying up high and then scaring pedestrians by zooming down in a nosedive and just barely missing them.) "Well, sir, I sell quality, low-priced, super special, never-ending, beautiful, well-groomed, capable, amazing, air- conditioned, specially prepared, shaken not stirred, fit for royalty, soft and satiny, delicate yet strong, powerful but not overwhelmingly so, supercalifragalisticexpialadocious...goats!" he exclaimed happily.  
  
"Goats...?" everyone said, sweatdropping.  
  
"Yes! Goats! Let us go!" said the salesman, waving his arms about and skipping. ~*~Magjickal~*~ fairy dust suddenly fell from the sky. He led them to a portable goat pen, filled with black goats, white goats, gray goats, brown goats, spotted goats, and platinum goats.  
  
Hiei was mad! He wanted professional kelp, and he wanted it NOW!!!!!!!!!  
  
So he calmly pulled it out of his pocket and swallowed it in one gulp.  
  
To Be Continued...Nah, what the heck—I'll just continue it right now.  
  
Everyone but Hiei was spellbound by the...the goats. Yeah, they were such...um...goats. They were nearly glowing in all their...ah...majesty. One of them devoured Kuwabara's hair, but nobody noticed, because they were simply enchanted by the...enchanting goats. Okay, can anyone tell I'm running out of adjectives here?  
  
So Hiei was thoughtfully chewing a piece of professional kelp and staring at a rock when Yusuke suddenly blinked and tapped him on the shoulder, distracted by his chewing. His extremely loud, deafening, horribly thunderous, and completely unquiet chewing! My god, it was so darn loud!  
  
"Hiei, did you notice that you're chewing a beaver?" he asked, staring at Hiei in confusion.  
  
The demon stared at Yusuke, then at the half-chewed, severely frightened beaver he was holding. "...Well, that explains why my professional kelp was making so much noise," he muttered. Then he turned to glare at the beaver.  
  
"RAFAEL! YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME!" he shouted angrily at the poor animal. Rafael twitched, swiping a paw at Hiei and hitting him in the face. The beaver was foaming at the mouth, and its eyes were as red as Clifford the Big Red Dog. The two glared at each other furiously.  
  
By now everyone but the salesman had forgotten about the goats. They stared at Hiei as he continued to yell at the beaver, who in turn snarled and made strange gurgling noises. Kurama was there, too. I don't know why; he probably just figured Hiei and the others would end up killing themselves if he didn't come along. Or maybe he was just too scared to be alone with the extremely vicious and rather hungry jaguars. Whatever. I don't really care. The point is, he was there.  
  
Kurama blinked, looking at Kuwabara, who was still bald thanks to those goats. Deciding not to ask, he whispered, "I think it's rabid..." Yusuke, Botan, Bald Kuwabara, and Touya nodded in agreement. Jin was discussing the power of cheese with a goat.  
  
"I DON'T CARE WHAT THE REASON WAS! BILLY WAS ONLY FIVE YEARS OLD! YOU DON'T LEAVE A FIVE-YEAR-OLD ALONE, DAMMIT, RAFAEL!" Hiei yelled.  
  
"Schnerrrrrkkkkkkaaaaaaafffffhhhhh. Hsssssssssshhhhhhhhssssssssss," snarled the rabid beaver.  
  
Just then, Genkai walked up! She was wearing her usual outfit--farmer style overalls and a straw hat with a banjo and a pitchfork strapped to her back. She also had one of those necklaces with the big gold money signs hanging on the chain, and her shirt read, 'IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU MUST POLISH A COW'S NOSTRILS'.  
  
"Yo yo yo, wazzup my homies??????" she said, winking at all of them. Then she looked up at Kuwabara.  
  
"Yo Kuwa, ma man, you get a new do?" The sun reflected off Kuwabara's bald head as he turned to look at her, and she screamed and put her hands over her face.  
  
"GAAAAAAH! MY EYES! MY @!&*&!@ EYES! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY EEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! YYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDD MMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY EEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Genkai screamed, running around in circles and yelling with her hands still covering her eyes.  
  
Youko Kurama walked by, although that's not...really...possible, and shook his head. "Tsk, tsk!" he exclaimed. "You people don't understand the meaning of friendship!" Then a squirrel handed him a guitar and he sat down, beginning to sing while strumming the guitar.  
  
"Friends are friends until the end! Friends will always be there for you, even if you don't want them to! Friends are friendly, friendly friends! Friends are friends until the end!" he sang cheerfully, smiling widely at everyone. He repeated this seven hundred times.  
  
Yusuke, Jin, Touya, Kuwabara, and Botan watched speechlessly as Kurama held his hands over his ears and screamed, "I'M NOT LISTENING! YOU HEAR ME YOUKO??!?!?!?! AAAAAAAAAHUIGWHHUIEGTYIUDGAIJBXJKBXUIQHGIUUUUUUUUUUIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!"  
  
He joined Genkai in running around in circles screaming. Hiei was still yelling at Rafael the rabid beaver, and Rafael was still making those weird noises. As for the goat salesman, he was never seen again. Although, his goats were seen eating his driver's license, but that's another story. Toguro rode past on a hot pink tricycle with Barbie while wearing a pink fairy princess outfit, complete with sparkling crown, but nobody noticed as he fell off a cliff to his doom and was quickly devoured by the dreaded flamingo people of northern California. (Yes, people of northern California, I am speaking about YOU! Oh, don't put on the innocent act; I know the truth! YOU'RE A FLAMINGO PEOPLE! Not person. PEOPLE!)  
  
Finally, Hiei seemed to have come to an agreement with Rafael. He strode calmly over to the rest of the group with the half-chewed, rabid beaver perched on his shoulder like a parrot or something. "STOP THAT INFERNAL SCREECHING, DAMMIT!" he yelled, breaking Youko's guitar in half. Kurama collapsed and let his hands fall to his side in relief. (Genkai, however, was still screaming and running around in circles.) Youko's lower lip trembled, and he gazed at Hiei, sniffing as tears welled up in his eyes. "WHYYYYYY?!?!?!?!" he cried, holding the broken pieces of his beloved guitar and sobbing.  
  
"NERF!" Hiei replied.  
  
"Oh, okay then," the fox demon said brightly. "I know a better song, anyway!"  
  
"OH, GOD, NO! PLEEEEEEEEASE! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kurama yelled, grabbing Youko by the shoulders and shaking him, his eyes bloodshot.  
  
Youko glared at the redhead. "Kurama, lay off the marijuana," he replied coolly.  
  
Kurama looked at the ground. "But it makes the owies go bye-bye," he said in a small voice. "It's my fwend."  
  
Everyone backed away from Kurama, who twitched and smiled strangely, then fell asleep on the floor. Hiei decided not to fire him. Who knows what the madman would do if he did?!  
  
Botan was suddenly very angry! "Well, what's your @!&*@!* song?!?!?!?!" she screamed at Youko.  
  
Youko grinned and jumped up. Music started coming out of nowhere. "DA NA NA NA NA! GHOSTBUSTERS!" he sang.  
  
Well, that seemed to be just what everyone needed. Youko, Kurama, Hiei, Yusuke, Bald Kuwabara, Botan, Jin, Touya, Rafael the Rabid Beaver, Genkai, the goats, and Keiko (who had been in hiding with the dreaded FLAMINGO PEOPLE OF NORTHERN CALIFORNIA) put their differences aside, held hands, and sang this wondrous song.  
  
The legends say that even today, the mountains still ring with their mystical call...  
  
"DA NA NA NA NA! GHOSTBUSTERS!"  
  
Makes you wonder if there really is life on Mars, huh?  
  
.....  
  
....Disregard that.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!  
  
-=-=-O_o-=-=-  
  
That was...odd. 0_0;;;  
  
REVIEW OR I'LL SIC RAFAEL ON YOU! 


	4. Temper Tantrum!

The Super Happy Adventures of Hiei

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Chapter Four (or five): Hiei Has A Temper Tantrum

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Hiei sighed, stroking Rafael the beaver absentmindedly. It was a week after the whole goat salesman incident, and things were as boring as ever in his company. What the hell did his company even do, anyway? He thought hard, trying to remember, and realized he didn't know. He was the owner of the !&#$! company, and he didn't even know what it did!

Hiei stood up on top of his desk and screamed, "WHY?! WHY, GOD WHY?!"

He screamed and yelled and kicked the pencil sharpener off his desk! He was insane with anger! He was a raging zebra, trampling lions and smashing rocks with his sharp, deadly hooves as he galloped through Africa! Yes! Yes, he was a zebra! A crazed, rabid ZEBRA!

Hiei began making zebra noises as he demolished his office. Kurama walked in, about to say something, then slowly backed out of the room.

"Hiei!" Miranda cried, her voice filled with pain and sorrow. "Hiei, you must stop!"

The demon paused, and turned around to look at Miranda. "But Miranda," he said softly, "this is who I am. I can't stop. I'm sorry."

Miranda burst into tears. "Oh, Hiei!" she sobbed. ...Except...it sounded more like a goat bleating than a girl sobbing.

"Hiei?" Botan asked, confused by the strange look on her boss' face as he gazed at the little black goat. "Um, sorry, sir, one of the goats escaped from Kuwabara's office..."

Hiei had stolen all of the goats from the salesman and had decided to keep them in Kuwabara's office, since he was pretty sure his jaguars would eat them. Plus, Kuwabara was allergic to goats. That was an added bonus.

"It's all right. Miranda is special," Hiei said in an oddly calm voice. Just then, one of the jaguars pounced on Miranda and swallowed her whole. Botan gasped and looked away from the horrible sight.

"NO!!!!!!" Hiei cried. "MIRANDAAAA! WHY?! ...Hn. Miranda was stupid anyway." (He was feeling very...moody today.)

He patted the goat-eating jaguar's head lovingly. No matter how many goats or beavers he had, no one could take the place of his jaguars. Oh, how he loved his jaguars. They were so pretty and shiny and beautiful and smart! Yes, only the jaguars understood him. Those nutcases he employed...They thought they understood, but they didn't; oh, no, only the jaguars knew his true feelings. Well, maybe his shiny black shoes knew, but that was it. Nobody but his shoes and the jaguars...

"I love you, jaguar," Hiei mumbled, hugging the creature. He stopped suddenly. "Botan! This jaguar's stomach is full of lumps! Take it to the veternarian's immediately!" he demanded.

Botan came over timidly and felt the jaguar's stomach. "Um...Hiei, sir, I think this jaguar is...going to have kittens soon..."

Hiei stared at her, his eyes bright and shining and...quite scary looking. "You mean my jaggy waggy is going to have kitty witties?!" he questioned in a high-pitched, childish voice. Botan nodded, looking very frightened.

"This calls for a celebration!" Hiei shouted. He ran into the hall, yelling, "EVERYONE! TO THE MEETING ROOM!"

So, Yusuke, Kurama, Kuwabara, Jin, Touya, Botan, and a lone pineapple ran to the meeting room. Well, the pineapple didn't run, it just bounced along, looking forlorn. Oh, and the jaguars came along, too. Rafael, he was still perched on Hiei's shoulder, hissing and spitting. Like a camel, I guess. Or a cat. Both start with 'c' and 'a'.

"Now, I'm sure you're all wondering why you're here," Hiei began, sitting at the head of the shiny table.

"_I_ know why," Yusuke said proudly.

Hiei was surprised. "You do?"

"Well...no," Yusuke answered, looking down, embarrassed.

Hiei's eye twitched. "As I was saying..." He cleared his throat. "Now, the reason you're all here is because I have an important announcement to make! My jaguar is having--"

"POPSICLE STICKS!" Jin interrupted. "I LOVE POPSICLE STICKS!"

Hiei followed his gaze to where Kurama was sitting, building a tiny house out of popsicle sticks. He froze, and looked up, his wide green eyes meeting Hiei's angry red eyes.

"Um..." he said nervously.

"KURAMA! YOU WILL DIE IN SEVEN DAYS IF YOU DON'T IMPROVE YOUR BEHAVIOR!" Hiei yelled furiously. Damn Kurama and his green eyes! Green! The color of the DEVIL!

"Oh dear," said the lone pineapple, taking out a brush and brushing dirt off the carpet. "Oh dear. Must take care of this dirt on my carpet. I do love my carpet, yes I do, yes, yes." It continued brushing, muttering to itself.

Everyone turned to stare at the pineapple, but it didn't notice. Hiei blinked, then said, "Touya..."

Touya nodded and waved a hand idly at the pineapple, which froze into a block of ice immediately. Yusuke eagerly jumped up and down on it until it was nothing but a pile of crushed ice, which he then scooped into his soda. He saluted Hiei and sat back down.

"Thank you," Hiei said. "So, back to the reason we're all here. My jaguar, my beautiful, lovely jaguar who ate Miranda, is going to have kittens!"

Everyone stared at him, aghast at the idea of more vicious carnivores roaming the building. "Um, yay?" Yusuke said uncertainly. Kuwabara screamed and fell over dead. He then rose back up as a zombie, but nobody really noticed. Oh, and his hair never grew back, so now he was not only Bald Kuwabara, but Bald Zombie Kuwabara.

"So," Hiei continued as if he hadn't noticed their horrified faces, "We're going to go on vacation! I want things to be as comfortable as possible for my jaggy waggy and her kitty witties!"

Kurama felt as if he were about to vomit, but he dared not do so. 'Cause if he did, he'd be as dead as a door knob, which is a weird saying because door knobs can't be dead since they're never even alive in the first place, and...um...

Suddenly, Harry Potter ran into the room! "Lumos!" he cried.

"Hello, Potter," Hiei said boredly. "What is it this time?"

"Snape ate Ron! We have to save him before he's digested, Hermione!" Harry exclaimed.

"First off," Hiei told him, standing up, "my name is Hiei. Secondly..." he paused. "There is no secondly. DRAGON OF THE DARKNESS FLAME!"

"NOOOOO!" Harry screamed. But it was too late. He was just a pile of ash. Hiei would have smiled, if it were actually possible for him to do so. As it was, he just hn-ed.

"So does anyone have any ideas about where we should go?" Hiei asked his staff.

"London!" Botan suggested, her dubbed British accent quite obvious.

"No! Mount Olympus!" Jin shouted.

"What about Florida?" Kurama asked quietly. Everyone knew he loved Florida. Actually, I just made that up. But he might love Florida--I don't know.

"I believe that we should travel to the frozen lands of Antartica," Touya said. Everybody gasped in shock. It was the first time Touya had said anything in days.

...However, Hiei was not pleased. "NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! YOU'RE ALL SO DAMN STUPID! I SHOULD KILL YOU ALLRIGHT NOW! YOU KNOW WHAT?! JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR IDIOCY, WE'RE NOT GOING ON VACATION! YOU ARE ALL GOING TO STAY HERE AND WORK FOR ME UNTIL YOU DIE!" he bellowed, tossing an apple at Yusuke. It bounced off his head, and he sat there stupidly.

Bald Zombie Kuwabara raised his hand. "Sir, what if we're already dead?" he questioned confusedly.

Hiei stomped over and kicked him in the stomach. Kuwabara died again, and came to back to life as a skeleton. With hair.

"I HATE YOU!" Hiei cried, punching SkeletonKuwabara over and over and over and over again until his skull popped off and rolled around on the floor. "IT'S NOT FAIR! I GOT STUCK WITH YOU MORONS, AND MY BROTHER GOT TO WORK FOR DONALD TRUMP!"

"You don't have a brother, sir," Kurama reminded him. Hiei rounded on him next. For a midget, he was pretty frightening at that moment, and Kurama flinched.

But to his surprise, Hiei burst into tears. "Everyone always says that! I don't care what they say, I do so have a brother and his name is Jim and he's a leprechaun and he has seven gold teeth and he works for Donald Trump and Mommy always liked him better than me and I hate him and it's just not FAIR!!!!"

With that, Hiei ran into his office with his jaguars, slamming the door shut with a huge bang.

Everyone shrugged and stood up slowly. There was a pause, and then--

"Anybody up for a game of poker?" Yusuke asked hopefully.

....Yes, Yusuke, enjoy the time you have left....The jaguars shall devour your soul....MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Um...Yeah?

* * *

Thanks to everyone who reviewed. It makes me really happy to see that people enjoy this, because that's what my purpose of writing is for this fic--to entertain people.

Soooo....REVIEW OR HIEI WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN!


	5. Hiei VS Lorenzini

A/N: This is a rather short chapter, sorry. It contains one mention of grape jelly, and has no logical sense in it at all. RUN WHILE YOU STILL HAVE LEGS!

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CHAPTER WHATEVER CHAPTER THIS IS: Hiei vs. Lorenzini

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Six hours after Hiei had locked himself in his office, his employees finally got bored with playing poker. They decided to call a psychiatrist for their boss. The shrink, who sounded strangely familiar, promised he'd be right over. About four hours later, he arrived, apologizing profusely. Nobody listened. They just twitched and shoved him towards Hiei's office.

Inside, the evil little demon was just finishing up building his Linkin Log town. He had stolen the Linkin Logs from an orphanage last year, and they had become very addictive. Like drugs. Only they were logs.

"YES" Hiei cried. "I HAVE COMPLETED THE ULTIMATE-darn, I stepped on it...DIE YOU STUPID LITTLE LINKIN LOG PEOPLE THINGS! DIE! " And he proceeded to stomp up and down on the logs that he once loved so dearly.

"Why, Hiei" the logs asked tearfully. "We wuuuuuuvvvvvvvv you! And we thought you wuvved us, too! "

Hiei shrugged. "Not my problem."

Suddenly, he heard knocking on the door! Hiei stood frozen in fear, wondering what course of action he should take. Should he open the door? Ignore the knocking? Ask who's there? ...What would Jebus do?

The knocking came again!

"SAVE ME, JEBUS! " Hiei screamed. Then he calmly opened the door.

A tall guy with a long trenchcoat and a weird straw hat with daisies on it walked in. His face and head were completely hidden. "Hello, Mr. Hiei. Let's talk about your life, " the shrink said immediately.

Hiei sighed. "Listen, Lorenzo, you better stop stealing my chickens, " he said warningly.

The shrink scribbled something down on a notepad. "What was that, Hiei? "

"Lorenzo, you can't fool me! Stop stealing my chickens! " Hiei demanded.

"I'm not Lorenzo. I'm Lorenzini. " the shrink informed him.

"Oh. ...Hn. " Hiei replied.

Lorenzini held up an inkblot. "What does this remind you of? "

"Death."

"And this one? "

"Death."

"What about this? "

"Death."

"And this? "

"A happy magical fairy...who is causing death."

Lorenzini took more notes. "Hm... Hiei, you seem to have severe paranoia, extreme fear of death, slight insanity, and possibly a severe case of acne, unless that's just a third eye, which would obviously be perfectly normal."

A mouse suddenly leapt out of the carpet, ninja blade in her little paws, and attacked Lorenzini, stabbing him repeatedly. "ARGH" the shrink cried. "ARGH! GET IT OFF! "

His trench coat and weird straw hat fell off, revealing...Mickey Mouse! But then the Mickey Mouse costume fell off, revealing none other than...a Canadian moose.

Lorenzini the shrink moose honked, as moose do, and tried to kill Hiei's ugly windows, because...well, they were ugly and he didn't like them. Luckily for the windows, Batman came and held out his hand to stop the rampaging moose.

"Stop! ...in the name of love! " Batman shouted. He then began to sing the song. The stop in the name of love song. You know. That one that says stop in the name of love.

Batman then grabbed Lorenzini by the antlers, and they flew off and got married wherever such things are legal.

"Oh, how beautiful" Hiei said uncharacteristically, wiping a tear from his eye. "Lorenzini has found true love at last."

Then he hi-fived the ninja mouse, whose name was Misao. They also performed a creepy secret handshake that involved grape jelly somehow.

And Hiei went back to demolishing his Linkin Logs while the jaguars dozed in the sun, and all was well until the author decided to update again.

* * *

I apologize for the shortness, and for any errors caused by this stupid new system that screws up all my stories when I upload them.

And just for the record:

"SAVE ME, JEBUS! " Homer Simpson

Thanks and have an evil day!


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